If you're not BPD, depressed or a MH sufferer this won't be of interest sorry! If you don't believe in mental health issues, then please don't read this just to comment. Harriet - you also must not read these posts.*Possible Trigger Warning*
Unfortunately I'm losing my battle to stay ... balanced? Normal? Happy? To not be dragged under, to stay afloat, to see straight, to survive.
The metaphorical shutters are coming down, windows being boarded up, prep to weather the incoming storm has begun, like it or not - it's been building for months, something hasn't been quite right and every so often i've acknowledged that fact, but mostly tried to ignore it in the hope I would catch just the tail end of it, but it looks like i'm set for the eye of it.
In preparation i've been closing ranks and pushing people away. This is the first sign something isn't quite right. Being such an organised person, my way of dealing, now I recognise the signs is initially to try to steer clear, tell myself everything is ok, it was just a blip that week... it was just two blips... but three strikes and you know you need to hunker down and prep for the worst.
I rang my doctor this morning, prep numero uno - get the professional involved. I've been meaning to go for my consultation with my new London clinic for a long time. You could say my neglect (thinking I'm 'all fine and dandy and don't need therapy!') could have been a mistake, you'd be right.
I can't get an appointment for two weeks - but that's ok, work is hard to get out of anyway and it also means I have time to ask my parents for financial help as I can't afford the treatment on my own if I'm referred.
Haters - don't bother to comment that we depression sufferers are sorry for our selves, to buck up, to look on the bright side, to appreciate how amazing our lives are compared to those in 'X', 'Y' or 'Z'. Duh. A huge part of giving up is due to the fact we know we're faulty, weak, selfish, useless, pathetic, and should be able to see how amazing a first world life is, how lucky we are, see how colourful our world is when all we can see is the colour drain to grey. That is where the self-punishment comes in. I'm not asking you to read this - I'm writing for myself, it's fantastically cathartic to let it all out, and for me serves as some small form of therapy, and seeing as I'm winging the therapy part at least for the next two weeks, I'm glad of any relief. I don't need to hear you repeat the vile things I tell myself already.
I like to think that not only by writing this am I helping myself to stay balanced on the wobbly tight-rope i'm walking right now, but maybe to help someone else see they're not alone.
I find I keep singing the above song to myself!
UPDATE 9.10.13: I think I may have managed to avoid the storm, might be too soon to tell, but i've had some fantastic support this time round, and things seem to be going ok!